No. 53: The Ties That Bind

We have crossed into year two of The Ties That Bind, which feels exciting. As usual, there is no set plan, so I’ll talk about what is on my mind.

We have been staying at my parents’ for the last few days, and it has been good. I have tried to turn off all work outside my primary day-to-day, which a lot of people, including myself, sometimes forget, which is being a stay-at-home dad.

I have had help from relatives, including my parents, while we have been here, but you can never completely switch off when your kids are around. I am grateful for the support and the extra time, but it is simply the reality of parenting, especially when you are closely involved in your children’s daily lives. It is hard to turn off. I like to think I am not a helicopter parent or a lawnmower parent. I don’t think I am. Still, it becomes a stark reminder when you have moments like this.

It reminds me that you need to find a way to identify as something other than a parent. That role is extremely important, and many people build their lives around it, but it can become all-consuming. The idea of being selfish has gotten lost in society. The word carries a negative connotation, and if I looked up the pure definition of selfish, it would not be positive. I have talked about this before, but I truly believe individuals need to be selfish for themselves to avoid losing who they are.

It is okay to evolve. It is okay to blend the things you love with the interests of your partner, spouse, or kids. But if that blending results in losing everything that made you who you are, then I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

This might all sound too philosophical for someone without a degree in philosophy, but the newsletter is about connection and trying to help. If my scattered thoughts can help others work through similar feelings, then it is worth writing them down.

I say all of this with genuine gratitude. I am thankful, and not only because of the Thanksgiving holiday. But when I turn off the things that make me uniquely me, my mind starts to wander. There is more gray here than black and white.

I am realizing that what I am experiencing is boredom. In parenting handbooks, they talk about how kids have lost the ability to be bored, to imagine, to sort through life in their own heads. On a regular basis, I have removed boredom from my own life as well.

Work keeps you focused. It keeps you moving toward a goal. That is productive, but this is where the gray area shows up. The thoughts I have had this week have ranged from logical to illogical, from personal to things I don’t mind sharing. It has been a scattered platter of thoughts. Normally, I don’t have time for that because my brain is always on. That is the choice I make.

Even when I have windows of time that could be used for boredom, I usually turn them into productivity. This week has been a useful reminder. Even though I am relatively successful and happy with my day-to-day life, a lot of good came from shutting down the extra work. I focused on what I needed to do for the kids and my family. When I could step away, I let myself shift, relax, be bored, read a book, or take a nap.

I allowed myself that this week. It was not about refreshing my battery or turning it into a productivity hack. It was an honest reflection. I feel better having allowed myself the freedom to wander a little, to be lazy, to have a cheat day here and there. That felt good.

It also feels good knowing that by the end of the weekend, the routine will return. With the holiday season approaching, there is a small sprint coming. I will probably go hard for the next three weeks because Stella will be in school and the regular rhythm will be back. Then there are two weeks off for the holidays. I don’t know if I will completely shut things down again, but I do think there will be another opportunity to rest, be more present, and be bored. I am looking forward to that.

I am also looking forward to getting back to my work, my workouts, and everything that normally gives me energy and helps me feel my best.

In the grand scheme of things, none of this is spectacular. But I think society often tells us that life is supposed to be bright lights all the time. It is supposed to be glamorous, action-packed, and constantly fun. Living that kind of life every single day seems exhausting and unsustainable.

That is all I have this week. I hope you have a great rest of your holiday weekend, and if you are traveling in any of the affected areas with the snow and rain, stay safe.

- Colin